I’ve never seen the British TV program Merlin. That type of
fantasy just isn’t my thing. And even if it were, I would probably go with
something a little more well-regarded. Game of Thrones, perhaps. That’s the
show that everyone and his mother recommends to me. And I have to tell everyone
and his mother that fantasy just isn’t my thing.
Anyway, Merlin is a TV show. And it’s also a mockbuster of
the TV show. This Merlin, like the show’s main character, is a young and
inexperienced wizard. This time, though, there’s no King Arthur. Not yet,
anyway. Instead, we have a half-brother who has a dragon army. It’s pretty
legit for a mockbuster, and much less of a time commitment than, say, a certain
HBO show that has about forty lead characters.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve had a mockbuster come
out, but this one should hit the spot. It’s about dragons!
This year, I invited a few friends over to bask in the neon orange glow
of a communal Halloween fright fest. We gathered in my tiny living room in my
tiny house on this tiny island, switched on my laptop computer, and started
watching Hocus Pocus.
As someone who has lived in foreign countries for the last five years,
someone who has no patience for things like “nostalgia” or “home sickness,” I
definitely felt a twinge of both every time the Sanderson sisters were on
screen. It was a wonderful way to start the marathon, and while I was
definitely more involved in the emotional ups and downs of Max and his talking
cat, I think my party guests were at least slightly amused by the whole thing. (Only one other person had actually seen this movie before. Charlatans.)
Our second film, Leprechaun 3 (the one in Las Vegas) was a much rowdier
experience for all. Dirty limericks, sex-robots, and wild bursts of violence
make this movie my hands-down favorite in the Leprechaun franchise, and I’m
pleased to announce that my party guests seemed to like it, too. At least, that’s
what they said.
The final movie in our trilogy was Teen Witch, which deflated the group’s
enthusiasm just a tad. I mean, we all had fun (particularly during the musical
numbers, or any scene with the little brother), but sleepiness was starting to
seep into things, and we all had work or school in the morning.
That said, I don’t regret my choices in film. These three movies
represent everything I want from a Halloween experience: violence, gore,
hijinks, music, costumes, witchcraft, and a group of friends to share
everything with.
So The Asylum doesn't usually do sequels unless it's to one of their shark movies (the Sharknado franchise will outlive us all). No Snakes on a Train 2. No Age of the Hobbits 2. No freaking Avengers Grimm 2. But for some reason, they decided to sequelize Hansel and Gretel. No idea why. The first one had ET's mother as the human-eating witch. This one does not. Neither are masterpieces. Both are really fun.
I am Omega. I am an ultra-cheap ripoff of a Will Smith movie. I am full of grainy visuals and awkward silences. I have a dull thud of an ending. I was reviewed by Evan on Slickster.
Out of all the really famous fairy tales out there, Hansel and Gretel is perhaps the most morbid. Little Mermaid (at least in its original form) is probably the saddest (give or take a Little Match Girl). Sleeping Beauty has some of the creepiest undertones. Beauty and the Beast does, too. But all those stories (again, give or take a Match Girl) could be Disney-fied pretty easily. Take out some of the murder and self-mutilation and eye-gouging, and you have a perfectly nice, family friendly story about princesses being dainty.
Hansel and Gretel, on the other hand, has darkness woven into its very fibers. Try to sanitize it all you want, but the entire story is built around cannibalism, child abandonment, kidnapping, forced labor, and murder. Take out any of those elements and the story doesn't make any sense.
Not surprisingly, the good folks at Asylum have seen the potential for horror and made Hansel and Gretel, a modern-day horror film starring Dee Wallace from E.T. It's grisly and sick, just like the source material. Of course, this being an Asylum film, the movie is actually a rip-off of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, a minor hit that may (but most probably may not) get a sequel.
If you're a horror fan, check out my Slickster Magazine review of the film to see just how many body parts fly toward the camera. Spoiler alert: there's a lot.
Honestly, film festivals are always so much fun. I consider myself a big film buff, but sometimes I take cinema for granted. With YouTube and streaming services and all sorts of websites, so many movies are at my fingertips that I forget to pay attention sometimes. Being at a film festival (sometimes sitting right next to a director or producer) forced me to pay attention, even if the movie in question had a rough patch or two.
Go to Slickster Magazine to see how it all ends. I'll give you a hint: there were riots.
The 4th of July is about a month in the past, and Labor Day is about a month ahead. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are in the holiday dead zone of August (not counting my birthday and, more importantly, Shark Week). I think it's about time we get a nice boost of patriotism to keep us going through the long, celebration-less summer.
That's right, guys. Now is the perfect time to check out Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies. This historical documentary tells us all about the real secrets behind Lincoln's historic presidency and tragic death. You may have though you already learned the truth when Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer came to theaters, but you were wrong. This mockbuster is 100% truthier.
Of course, just in case the film isn't your cup of tea, head on over to Slickster Magazine to check out my rock-solid review. It's particularly spoilerific (Lincoln gets shot), but hopefully that won't stop you from watching this important historical document on your all-American laptops.
First of all, today is my birthday, so I'm in a particularly cheerful mood. Turning 30 does not, as some have said, make you start feeling like the Crypt Keeper. I think I have a good five years or so before that happens.
Yeah, I'm stoked about being a 30something. It's going to be my decade. I can feel it.
Anyway, here's part three of my ZIFF experience. Please note that at this point in the experience, my snark is really starting to come out. But I still had a blast.
And check back in sometime this week for the final wrap-up. In the meantime, I'm going to check my eyebrows for gray hairs.
ZIFF continued to offer a bunch of wildly depressing movies. One in particular stood out for having incest, infidelity, attempted suicide, and abandonment all in the same steaming hot pile of soap opera nonsense. It was amazing.
Anyway, here are my continuing adventures with the biggest cultural event in all of East Africa.
Earthquakes are the closest thing to a phobia that I have. The idea that your house--what should be your safe space--could crush you to death on some random Tuesday really freaks me out. I'm not the biggest fan of disaster movies in general (they tend to make mass casualties seem unimportant). I find them particularly numbing.
So... I don't like earthquakes and I don't like disaster movies. Then why, for the love of God, did I see San Andreas Quake?
Well...
It's part of my job. As a weekly columnist for Slickster Magazine, I have to write snarky little reviews about mockbusters, and guess what A-list Dwayne Johnson action film just got mockbusted? That's right: San Andreas. I did not see that movie, but I saw the cheaper equivalent.
No comment.
(To the YouTuber who uploaded this scene: THANK YOU!)
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my complete film festival experience. For those of you who don't know, I spent nine days watching literally dozens of films Clockwork Orange-style. My eyes are killing me, but I can't wait to share my experiences with all of you.
Here's a basically meanless teaser to tie you over:
So The Atlantic Rim doesn't really exist. The Pacific Rim is a real thing. It's part of geography. But the Atlantic Rim... nope.
When Guillermo del Toro's Pacific Rim came out, the marketing madmen at Asylum decided to release their similar-in-every-way-except-quality mockbuster Atlantic Rim. The movie makes as much sense as its title, which is one way of saying YEEESH. Don't see this movie.
But you can always read my lovely review of it. I try not to hold anything back. Barring vomit. I held back a bit of vomit as I was writing the review. Acid reflux, you understand.
Sleeping Beauty is one of my favorite Disney films. I think it's hands-down the prettiest movie in their vault. I could get lot in the twisting, angular backgrounds. And the Tchaikovsky music... dang. It's an all-around masterpiece.
The Asylum version, released the same month as Disney's Maleficent, is... let's say... worse. It's fun and campy, but I couldn't see myself getting lost in the awkward CGI. Is it a train wreck? No. But it is a very strange passion project from a B-list action star whom I will not mention in this post. Check out the review. I promise you won't fall asleep.
Alpha House is a low budget frat comedy from The Asylum. It is also reprehensible, a hollow nothing of a movie that smears poop on everyone involved. Check it out.
Happy 4th of July, everybody! I am currently in a country that has a completely different independence day, so this isn't a particularly exciting time for me. That said, I have very exciting news for all my American readers. My horror anthology Halloween Night is now FREE, so download the ebook before the day is up! Offer ends at midnight, Cinderella-style.
