Blumhouse

I love horror movies. And I love when horror movie studios know what they're doing. For my generation, Blumhouse is making all the right choices. Insidious. The Conjuring. The Purge. Paranormal Activity. These guys are rewriting the rules of horror while still keeping things rooted in classic filmmaking craftsmanship. Let's all hope they keep it up.

Dummies and Mask-Wearing Crazy People

I have a couple new articles up this week. One is a friendly reevaluation of 2002's Halloween: Resurrection, which many view as a cinematic travesty. (I kind of like it.)

Another is a fun look at my students' brand new school play, a recreation of everyone's favorite film, Son of the Mask. The adaptation process has been... difficult.

And finally, I have a comedic rant about ventriloquist dummies. It's pretty epic.

Anyway, it's nice to stay productive.

Tales from the Crypt: My Thoughts

   

I love Tales from the Crypt more than pretty much any other show from my childhood (give or take a Buffy). This horror anthology series is insanely rewatchable, and even the bad episodes at least have a bit of gore or nudity (or both, simultaneously) to keep you coming back for more. Even the shitty puns circle back around from groan-worthy to funny just through repetition.

     

For a while there, it looked like M. Night Shyamalan was going to remake the series for a new generation. I was all on-board. Both Tales and Shyamalan love their twist endings. They’re also both wildly inconsistent, which I consider a good thing. I love when people (and shows) aren’t afraid to swing for the fences every time, even when they fail just as much as they succeed.

    

Unfortunately, it looks like the reboot isn’t going to happen. I’ve written a post-mortem for the would-be series over on Slickster. Check it out.

The Worst Werewolf Movies

Have you ever seen Joe Dante's The Howling? It's great, right?

Well, have you ever seen any of its sequels? They are not great. Trust me. From exploding dwarf eyeballs to spooky line-dancing, there's a whole bunch of terrible packed into that franchise. Don't trust me? Then check out my comprehensive guide to The Howling sequels.

Happy Death Day!

Another month, another horror movie review. This time, I saw the (quite good) horror-comedy  Happy Death Day. Anyone who has seen Groundhog Day (or, more accurately, The Deaths of Ian Stone) will notice a lot of familiar ideas told in surprising new ways.
 

 
After watching the film, I was honestly conflicted. And I think my mixed feelings come across in the review, which is a bit more soul-searchy than my usual. Check it out.

Meat Pies and All That

         
Out of all the really famous fairy tales out there, Hansel and Gretel is perhaps the most morbid. Little Mermaid (at least in its original form) is probably the saddest (give or take a Little Match Girl). Sleeping Beauty has some of the creepiest undertones. Beauty and the Beast does, too. But all those stories (again, give or take a Match Girl) could be Disney-fied pretty easily. Take out some of the murder and self-mutilation and eye-gouging, and you have a perfectly nice, family friendly story about princesses being dainty.

Hansel and Gretel, on the other hand, has darkness woven into its very fibers. Try to sanitize it all you want, but the entire story is built around cannibalism, child abandonment, kidnapping, forced labor, and murder. Take out any of those elements and the story doesn't make any sense.
   

      
Not surprisingly, the good folks at Asylum have seen the potential for horror and made Hansel and Gretel, a modern-day horror film starring Dee Wallace from E.T. It's grisly and sick, just like the source material. Of course, this being an Asylum film, the movie is actually a rip-off of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, a minor hit that may (but most probably may not) get a sequel.

If you're a horror fan, check out my Slickster Magazine review of the film to see just how many body parts fly toward the camera. Spoiler alert: there's a lot.

Giant Robots. Shrug.

     
So The Atlantic Rim doesn't really exist. The Pacific Rim is a real thing. It's part of geography. But the Atlantic Rim... nope.

When Guillermo del Toro's Pacific Rim came out, the marketing madmen at Asylum decided to release their similar-in-every-way-except-quality mockbuster Atlantic Rim. The movie makes as much sense as its title, which is one way of saying YEEESH. Don't see this movie.

But you can always read my lovely review of it. I try not to hold anything back. Barring vomit. I held back a bit of vomit as I was writing the review. Acid reflux, you understand.

Once upon a nightmare.

Sleeping Beauty is one of my favorite Disney films. I think it's hands-down the prettiest movie in their vault. I could get lot in the twisting, angular backgrounds. And the Tchaikovsky music... dang. It's an all-around masterpiece.

The Asylum version, released the same month as Disney's Maleficent, is... let's say... worse. It's fun and campy, but I couldn't see myself getting lost in the awkward CGI. Is it a train wreck? No. But it is a very strange passion project from a B-list action star whom I will not mention in this post. Check out the review. I promise you won't fall asleep.

Guess the Mockbuster...

What does Kid n Play, the 80s blackface comedy Soul Man, wormholes, Jesus, and giant glowing balls have in common?

To find the answer, you have to click on my latest mockbuster article for Slickster Magazine. Like the movie itself, it's a real mishmash of random weirdness. Don't say I didn't warn you...

Say "Bye Bye Bye" to Zombie Scum!

           
Dead 7 is a strange beast. It's a zombie Western for the Syfy Channel (enough said, right?) that stars a bunch of former boy band members from the late 90s/early 00s, back when the world was a simpler time. Apparently, this is the passion project of writer/producer/star Nick Carter (Backstreet Boys), and he recruited all his past-their-prime peers to join in. Some are zombies. Some are cowboys. Most are... not quite actors. It's all a very strange viewing experience. Check out my review for more details.

Avengers Grimm

                 
Welcome to another snippet from my weekly mockbuster articles over at Slickster Magazine. This week, I'm discussing Avengers Grimm, the fairy tale rip-off of Avengers: Age of Ultron. You can check out the full article at Slickster Magazine. In the meantime, here's a little taste, just in case:
                   
Now, this (admittedly stupid) premise could absolutely deliver an entertaining, brainless bit of fluff. All the filmmakers had to do was pick a few recognizable characters, give them powers based on their personae, make them squabble in character-based ways, and have them reluctantly cooperate to take down a villain. You know what? Let’s brainstorm this movie together, shall we? Let’s say we have Snow White, whose special power is… I don’t know, throwing apples at people. She has to work with Cinderella, who can kick ass in those glass shoes. They’re constantly arguing, because… Snow White thinks Cinderella exploits the little mice and vermin that come and help her. They both team up with the Frog Prince, who can now change into a bunch of different animals. He’s the third link in our love triangle, but he’s sarcastic and super-rich, much like a certain man made of iron. We can go on from there, but you get the point. The stuff writes itself.

To see the rest of the article (and learn all about Lou Ferrigno's single greatest acting achievement), go to Slickster.

Volcano Explodes All Over Your Face!

Apocalypse Pompeii: Looks awful, doesn't it? Well, against all odds, it's actually pretty fun. Check it out!

Handcuffs and Martians

"I hate my agent."

               
Did you watch Fifty Shades of Grey and wish it had more long, boring scenes about real estate? Yeah? Well, then you'll love BOUND, the S&M mockbuster that the world absolutely needed. Watch it! Or better yet, check out my article about the film.

R.I.P. Daft Punk

       
And if that's a little too high-brow for you, then there's always MARTIAN LAND, the mockbuster of Ridley Scott's The Martian. While it may not be as well-received as its Oscar-nominated sister film, it does have a Martian super-storm, so that's that.

Almighty Thor

Have you seen Thor, the action film about a Marvel superhero who gets stranded in New Mexico and falls in love with Natalie Portman?

Yeah. Probably.

Well, have you seen Almighty Thor, the action film that came out three days earlier, and ends with the titular hero punching lava into the shape of a hammer so that he can protect a magic tree from Richard Grieco?

No?

Well, you need to.

With the latest entry in my Mockbusters series of articles, I'm discussing Almighty Thor, one of the strangest movies I've seen in a long time. Go read my article. Then watch the movie. Then rinse your eyes out with soap. It'll be fun.

Introducing: Mockbusters!

 
I'm very excited to announce that I have a new weekly feature in Slickster Magazine. Every Tuesday, I'll post another article about The Asylum, the movie studio that invented the modern "mockbuster." They're the guys behind Transmorphers, Alien vs. Hunter, The Day the Earth Stopped, and plenty more. They release bargain bin versions of Hollywood blockbusters on the same week as the real thing. The movies are hilarious and weird, but also a little charming. Take a look at my premiere article, a goofy, little run-down of 2006's Snakes on a Train.

And in the meantime, let me leave you with my favorite quote from the film:

“She must have all her snakes back, but you can keep the ones that belong... to you!”

Midnight Special

Okay, everybody! There is an awesome new movie that just came out called Midnight Special. Now, I've been out of the country, so I'm not sure how well-known this movie is stateside (I just sort of came across it), but you have to see it. It is such a cool conversation-starter of a movie.

I have problems with it (as you can see from my review), but I'm also happy that the movie is flawed, because the weird parts give you a lot to talk about. I won't give anything away, but I'm dying to talk to people about this one, so if you get a chance, watch Midnight Special and then tell me what you think.

Tim Burton

As some of you may know, I'm a huge Tim Burton fan.

And as a self-respecting (more-or-less) Tim Burton fan, I've been a little conflicted when it comes to his more recent films. I will defend Big Fish to my death, and I think Big Eyes was a pretty awesome return-to-form for the director, but the other movies he's made in the last decade-plus have been a little hit-and-miss for me.

Which is why I'm a little excited and a little scared about his latest movie, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. If you head over to Slickster Magazine, you can check out an article I wrote that helped me process my feelings about this new movie. It could be great. Or it could be very, very bad. We won't find out until September.

But in the meantime, check out the trailer and let me know what you think...