Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Just keep spinning. Just keep spinning.

Click HERE for my latest review.

Hansel vs. Gretel: Grudge Match of the Stars


So The Asylum doesn't usually do sequels unless it's to one of their shark movies (the Sharknado franchise will outlive us all). No Snakes on a Train 2. No Age of the Hobbits 2. No freaking Avengers Grimm 2. But for some reason, they decided to sequelize Hansel and Gretel. No idea why. The first one had ET's mother as the human-eating witch. This one does not. Neither are masterpieces. Both are really fun.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Age of Tomorrow: the lumpiest little movie in town

So these mockbuster reviews are aging me horribly. The newest one: Age of Tomorrow. Check out the article now!
   
(Spoiler: This character is not in the movie.)

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

I Am Omega. You Are Omega. We All Are Omega.


I am Omega. I am an ultra-cheap ripoff of a Will Smith movie. I am full of grainy visuals and awkward silences. I have a dull thud of an ending. I was reviewed by Evan on Slickster.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Back in the Hobbit


Age of the Hobbits
Clash of the Empires
Lord of the Elves

Whatever the name, this film is... something. Check out my delightful mockbuster review.


Sunday, August 21, 2016

Meat Pies and All That

         
Out of all the really famous fairy tales out there, Hansel and Gretel is perhaps the most morbid. Little Mermaid (at least in its original form) is probably the saddest (give or take a Little Match Girl). Sleeping Beauty has some of the creepiest undertones. Beauty and the Beast does, too. But all those stories (again, give or take a Match Girl) could be Disney-fied pretty easily. Take out some of the murder and self-mutilation and eye-gouging, and you have a perfectly nice, family friendly story about princesses being dainty.

Hansel and Gretel, on the other hand, has darkness woven into its very fibers. Try to sanitize it all you want, but the entire story is built around cannibalism, child abandonment, kidnapping, forced labor, and murder. Take out any of those elements and the story doesn't make any sense.
   
      
Not surprisingly, the good folks at Asylum have seen the potential for horror and made Hansel and Gretel, a modern-day horror film starring Dee Wallace from E.T. It's grisly and sick, just like the source material. Of course, this being an Asylum film, the movie is actually a rip-off of Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, a minor hit that may (but most probably may not) get a sequel.

If you're a horror fan, check out my Slickster Magazine review of the film to see just how many body parts fly toward the camera. Spoiler alert: there's a lot.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

ZANZIBAR INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL (part 4)

And here it is, ladies and gentlemen... The end of my film festival experience. I'd like to say things ended on a high note, because I did have a lot of fun with these last two days of films. The most depressing stuff is behind me, and all that's left are heartwarming documentaries, Beyoncé, and some drugs.
    
             
Honestly, film festivals are always so much fun. I consider myself a big film buff, but sometimes I take cinema for granted. With YouTube and streaming services and all sorts of websites, so many movies are at my fingertips that I forget to pay attention sometimes. Being at a film festival (sometimes sitting right next to a director or producer) forced me to pay attention, even if the movie in question had a rough patch or two.
  
Go to Slickster Magazine to see how it all ends. I'll give you a hint: there were riots.
  

Monday, August 8, 2016

Four Score and Seven Beheadings Ago

         
The 4th of July is about a month in the past, and Labor Day is about a month ahead. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are in the holiday dead zone of August (not counting my birthday and, more importantly, Shark Week). I think it's about time we get a nice boost of patriotism to keep us going through the long, celebration-less summer.
   
That's right, guys. Now is the perfect time to check out Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies. This historical documentary tells us all about the real secrets behind Lincoln's historic presidency and tragic death. You may have though you already learned the truth when Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer came to theaters, but you were wrong. This mockbuster is 100% truthier.
   
                 
Of course, just in case the film isn't your cup of tea, head on over to Slickster Magazine to check out my rock-solid review. It's particularly spoilerific (Lincoln gets shot), but hopefully that won't stop you from watching this important historical document on your all-American laptops.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

ZANZIBAR INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL (part 3)

     
First of all, today is my birthday, so I'm in a particularly cheerful mood. Turning 30 does not, as some have said, make you start feeling like the Crypt Keeper. I think I have a good five years or so before that happens.

Yeah, I'm stoked about being a 30something. It's going to be my decade. I can feel it.

Anyway, here's part three of my ZIFF experience. Please note that at this point in the experience, my snark is really starting to come out. But I still had a blast.

And check back in sometime this week for the final wrap-up. In the meantime, I'm going to check my eyebrows for gray hairs.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

ZANZIBAR INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL (part 2)



ZIFF continued to offer a bunch of wildly depressing movies. One in particular stood out for having incest, infidelity, attempted suicide, and abandonment all in the same steaming hot pile of soap opera nonsense. It was amazing.

Anyway, here are my continuing adventures with the biggest cultural event in all of East Africa.

Monday, August 1, 2016

I feel the earth move under my feet.

    
Earthquakes are the closest thing to a phobia that I have. The idea that your house--what should be your safe space--could crush you to death on some random Tuesday really freaks me out. I'm not the biggest fan of disaster movies in general (they tend to make mass casualties seem unimportant). I find them particularly numbing.

So... I don't like earthquakes and I don't like disaster movies. Then why, for the love of God, did I see San Andreas Quake?

Well...

It's part of my job. As a weekly columnist for Slickster Magazine, I have to write snarky little reviews about mockbusters, and guess what A-list Dwayne Johnson action film just got mockbusted? That's right: San Andreas. I did not see that movie, but I saw the cheaper equivalent.

No comment.

(To the YouTuber who uploaded this scene: THANK YOU!)


Sunday, July 31, 2016

ZANZIBAR INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL (part 1)

       
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, so my complete film festival experience. For those of you who don't know, I spent nine days watching literally dozens of films Clockwork Orange-style. My eyes are killing me, but I can't wait to share my experiences with all of you.
      
Here's a basically meanless teaser to tie you over:
        
I saw some good films and some bad films. I saw at least three films that desperately wanted me to cry. I saw a movie about Beyoncé that didn't include Beyoncé in it. I saw a cartoon about World War I and short films about clothes, salt, rock music, and brothers punching each other for the greater good. I saw lots of movies about race, and even more about women's right. I saw a movie with a magic doll in it, and another movie about lady soccer players.
      
Nine days, hundreds of hours, thirty films. It was an experience.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Giant Robots. Shrug.

     
So The Atlantic Rim doesn't really exist. The Pacific Rim is a real thing. It's part of geography. But the Atlantic Rim... nope.

When Guillermo del Toro's Pacific Rim came out, the marketing madmen at Asylum decided to release their similar-in-every-way-except-quality mockbuster Atlantic Rim. The movie makes as much sense as its title, which is one way of saying YEEESH. Don't see this movie.

But you can always read my lovely review of it. I try not to hold anything back. Barring vomit. I held back a bit of vomit as I was writing the review. Acid reflux, you understand.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Once upon a nightmare.

Sleeping Beauty is one of my favorite Disney films. I think it's hands-down the prettiest movie in their vault. I could get lot in the twisting, angular backgrounds. And the Tchaikovsky music... dang. It's an all-around masterpiece.

The Asylum version, released the same month as Disney's Maleficent, is... let's say... worse. It's fun and campy, but I couldn't see myself getting lost in the awkward CGI. Is it a train wreck? No. But it is a very strange passion project from a B-list action star whom I will not mention in this post. Check out the review. I promise you won't fall asleep.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Keggers for Kiddies

          
Alpha House is a low budget frat comedy from The Asylum. It is also reprehensible, a hollow nothing of a movie that smears poop on everyone involved. Check it out.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Happy Independence Day Everyone

This Fourth of July, why don't you curl up and watch a really crappy movie? Or at least read about it.


FOURTH OF JULY FIRE SALE! EVERYTHING MUST GO!

Happy 4th of July, everybody! I am currently in a country that has a completely different independence day, so this isn't a particularly exciting time for me. That said, I have very exciting news for all my American readers. My horror anthology Halloween Night is now FREE, so download the ebook before the day is up! Offer ends at midnight, Cinderella-style.



Thursday, June 30, 2016

Mockbusters Go Greek!

Here we are. Another week, another mockbuster. This one is a real doozy. Check out my review. I think you can probably tell that this ongoing watch-crap-and-then-write-about-it weekly column is starting to get to me. I'm running out of things to say, honestly. I can barely finish my

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Monday, June 6, 2016

Classic Literature = Crappy Horror Movies

           
The folks over at Taste of Cinema invited me back for another guest column. This one is all about horror films based on (non-horror) classic fiction. Think Rudyard Kipling or Jane Austen.

If you want to see the full, trashy list, go on over and check it out. Before you do, however, here are a few hints at what to expect:

1. We have one fairy tale on the list.
2. We have a horror movie set almost entirely in a museum.
3. We have a little bit of Shakespeare.
4. We have the very first detective story ever written.
5. We have the absolute closest thing to a Freddy Krueger movie without Freddy Krueger.

Perhaps you can make a few educated guesses before you click the link. If not, be warned: these movies are much spookier than their literary versions. Also, there's more body fluids.


Saturday, June 4, 2016

We Didn't Quite Find Nemo


My latest film review describes one of the worst cartoons I've ever seen: an ultra-low budget riff on Finding Nemo. If you ever wanted to see boy band member Joey Fatone "poop out [his] intestines" multiple times, then you should watch this film. (He plays a sea cucumber, FYI.)

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Gretchen the Mouse Girl


So I'm working on a top secret young adult project. This is a little teaser. Try to guess what the book will be about...