Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Introducing: Mockbusters!

I'm very excited to announce that I have a new weekly feature in Slickster Magazine. Every Tuesday, I'll post another article about The Asylum, the movie studio that invented the modern "mockbuster." They're the guys behind Transmorphers, Alien vs. Hunter, The Day the Earth Stopped, and plenty more. They release bargain bin versions of Hollywood blockbusters on the same week as the real thing. The movies are hilarious and weird, but also a little charming. Take a look at my premiere article, a goofy, little run-down of 2006's Snakes on a Train.

And in the meantime, let me leave you with my favorite quote from the film:

“She must have all her snakes back, but you can keep the ones that belong... to you!”

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Midnight Special

Okay, everybody! There is an awesome new movie that just came out called Midnight Special. Now, I've been out of the country, so I'm not sure how well-known this movie is stateside (I just sort of came across it), but you have to see it. It is such a cool conversation-starter of a movie.

I have problems with it (as you can see from my review), but I'm also happy that the movie is flawed, because the weird parts give you a lot to talk about. I won't give anything away, but I'm dying to talk to people about this one, so if you get a chance, watch Midnight Special and then tell me what you think.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Tim Burton

As some of you may know, I'm a huge Tim Burton fan.

And as a self-respecting (more-or-less) Tim Burton fan, I've been a little conflicted when it comes to his more recent films. I will defend Big Fish to my death, and I think Big Eyes was a pretty awesome return-to-form for the director, but the other movies he's made in the last decade-plus have been a little hit-and-miss for me.

Which is why I'm a little excited and a little scared about his latest movie, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. If you head over to Slickster Magazine, you can check out an article I wrote that helped me process my feelings about this new movie. It could be great. Or it could be very, very bad. We won't find out until September.

But in the meantime, check out the trailer and let me know what you think...

Friday, March 25, 2016

The Young Messiah

The Young Messiah is exactly what its title implies: it’s a Muppet Babies-version of the New Testament. Specifically, it follows a seven-year-old Jesus who learns about his powers, his responsibilities, and all the crap he’s going to have to go through in the future. People tell him he’s special a lot, and he has to come to terms with that. It’s a lot like the first Spider-Man movie, actually, except really boring.

If you want to read the rest of my (pretty blasphemous) movie review, head on over to Slickster Magazine. I'll tell you right now: reading this article will probably get you struck by lightning. You've been warned.


Thursday, March 17, 2016

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

In honor of everybody's fourth favorite holiday, I wanted to talk a little bit about everyone's seventh favorite horror movie franchise. That's right! Leprechaun! A name so scary that I constantly have to check the spelling every time I type it.

Now, Leprechaun lives in a very special place in my heart. This was the first horror movie I ever saw (I was seven, and my cool aunt was babysitting me). I loved the horror. I loved the humor. I loved seeing Jennifer Aniston embarrass herself. It was a blast from start to finish.

Because today is St. Patrick's Day, here's a very special look back at the Leprechaun franchise.
The first Leprechaun is very low budget. The whole thing takes place in a farmhouse in the one area of "North Dakota" that looks exactly like Southern California. It's probably most famous for having Jennifer Aniston in it, but Warwick Davis is really the star here. It's a neat little roller coaster of a movie, with one of the all time best moster-kill catchphrases of all time... AND there's murder-by-pogo-stick!
Leprechaun 2 takes our titular monster to Hollywood, where he uses a cappuccino machine to murder that guy from MadTV that reminded everybody of Will Ferrell. I think you know who I'm talking about. Whatever happened to that guy? He probably still works. Anyway, the movie is the most forgettable entry in the franchise, but it's fun. And there's a kiss scene with a giant fake tongue that is truly horrifying.

Leprechaun 3 (the one in Vegas) is pretty much the consensus pick for the best in the franchise. It's funny, there's some gnarly special effects (a magic trick gone wrong, an inexplicable robot lady, the umbrella scene...), and the script is chock-full of dirty limericks. It's my personal favorite.
Leprechaun 4: In Space is the wackiest of the bunch. It's almost as fun as part 3, but it also tries a little too hard. The movie starts with a really gross shout-out to the chest-burster scene from Alien, and it never lets up from there. There's a giant spider mutant, a space princess with magical healing powers, and some pretty great death scenes. No limericks, though.
People like the idea of Leprechaun: In the Hood more than the actual film. It's a great premise, and Ice-T is having a blast, but it's just not that fun. There are moments, though. Coolio has the most random cameo in the history of cinema, and the whole thing ends with a glorious rap song that Warwick Davis can barely get through.

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood is cheaper, dumber, and a whole lot more fun than his first trip to the hood. This is the first time the franchise has repeated itself, though. I would've much preferred its original concept (Leprechaun Does Spring Break), but the execution isn't bad, and its climactic scenes are some of the best in the series. There's a lot of dumb drug humor, so that's always fun.

And now we come to the nadir of the series: the sullen, dull "re-imagining" known as Leprechaun Origins. Instead of a horror comedy starring a little person actor who is clearly having the time of his life, we get a straight-up horror survival story starring a WWE wrestler who has zero lines and about ten seconds of screen time in the whole movie. Wikipedia says that WWE is currently working on a sequel, which I will watch because I'm a movie masochist, but eek. This is bad.
Rather than ending on such a down note, I wanted to share a little factoid that I just found out. Apparently in Irish mythology, there are leprechauns and clurichauns. Clurichauns are basically the same thing as leprechauns, but they only come out at night, they're constantly drunk, and they enjoy riding sheep. If you treat them well, they'll protect your wine cellars.

God, I love the Irish.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody!

Sunday, March 13, 2016

WitchWorks Magazine

Hello! Hello! I know it's been a while, but I FINALLY have a new horror story out, and this one is a doozy! It's called Beach Boy, it takes place in beautiful, downtown Zanzibar, and it. Is. Messed. Up. Seriously. You'll love it.

WitchWorks Magazine is a gnarly little periodical that pays homage to EC Comics (specifically Tales from the Crypt). It's fully illustrated with comics and stories that all have nasty twist endings.  Basically, this is right up my alley. Yours too, I hope! Check it out!

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Vroom... Vroom...

Hello, friends and Romans. Just a friendly reminder that my romance novel Rev Your Engines has driven into Amazon and is waiting for more readers to hop on and cruise into the sunset.