Christmas Movie Time!

'Tis the season to watch some brain-numbing holiday entertainment. Maybe some Home Alone. Perhaps something with the Muppets. Maybe one of those Rankin/Bass stop-motion numbers.

If you need some help, though, check out my list of the nine best holiday movies to watch with your family. You'll thank me in the morning.

The Worst Werewolf Movies

Have you ever seen Joe Dante's The Howling? It's great, right?

Well, have you ever seen any of its sequels? They are not great. Trust me. From exploding dwarf eyeballs to spooky line-dancing, there's a whole bunch of terrible packed into that franchise. Don't trust me? Then check out my comprehensive guide to The Howling sequels.

Silent Films: Where to Start

Where to start with SILENT HORROR FILMS...

A how-to guide courtesy of Horror Homeroom, my new favorite website.

Welcome to 2017

2016 was an objectively bad year. I try not to dwell on the negative, mostly because I like to live in blissful and purposeful ignorance when it comes to global warming, celebrity deaths, hate crimes, and all the other signs of the apocalypse that we were subjected to this year. Long story short, I’m going to stay away from America for a bit and hope against hope that things will settle down before I return.

In the meantime, I am cautiously optimistic about 2017. I mean, life has to go on, right? Well, that’s what I’ll keep telling myself during the imminent nuclear winter. But barring the complete destruction of the human race, there are a few things to look forward to about next year. So let’s get at ’em. Here are the ten things I’m most excited about for 2017.

10 Simpsons Treehouse of Horror 28

Out of all the holiday traditions, this one is probably my favorite. Every year, I look forward to the Simpsons Halloween special. Most years, I walk away happy. (Barring that one episode that had Fran Drescher as a golem, there’s always at least one good segment in the bunch.) I doubt that that the writers will outdo themselves this year, but it's always fun to see them try.

9 Gorillaz: the new album

After so many years, the sort-of fictional, sort-of animated band will finally release new music. I’ve been jamming out to “Clint Eastwood” for so long now, that I’m quite excited for the new tunes. I’m perhaps even more excited to see what trippy, beautiful music videos we’ll get. I just hope the characters don’t get updated too much.

8 Friday the 13th: Part 13

At long freaking last, we get the next chapter in the Jason Voorhees saga. I mean, Jesus, the twelfth one came out years ago. You’d think that a horror movie franchise with the word “thirteen” in the name would get off its hockey-playing butt and grace us with the thirteenth installment before Mr. Voorhees enters retirement age. I have no idea if this movie will be good or not (signs point to not), but it better not get cancelled again. I’m going through machete withdrawals.

7 Heathers: The TV Show

Look, I’m less excited and more anxious about the Heathers reboot. I mean, Heathers is such a classic (my third favorite movie), and it’s going to be hard to recapture that nihilistic, quippy, off-putting, weirdly endearing magic on a weekly basis. What’s more, the new show’s premise (read the description here) seems like it really misses the point of the original. Still, if it works, it’ll be my favorite television show of the year. Hands down. It just has a pretty high bar to clear. In the meantime, I'll just slurp my slushie and rewatch the original.

6 Scooby Doo: Wild West!

Every year, Hanna Barbera (actually Warner Brothers) releases at least one direct-to-DVD Scooby Doo movie. Last year was kind of a bust (a crossover with WWE that was somehow even less charming than the previous crossover), but this year is about demon cowboys, so I’m in. If there’s a new Scooby Doo movie every year from now until eternity, I’ll be happy. Just no more professional wrestling ones, kay?

5 Evan’s Mystery Book
This year will mark the release of my next book, and it’ll be a little different from the other stuff I’ve written. I’ll be sure to keep you posted…

4 My Thirty-First Birthday
I already know that the thirties is going to be MY decade. I’ve had a pretty good run of it so far (you can’t complain while living in Zanzibar), but I have a feeling that 31 is going to be The Year of the Evan. At least, that’s what I tell myself every time I spot another gray beard hair.

3 Alien: Covenant
The new Alien/Prometheus sequel should be the kick-ass, cerebral movie event of the year. If not, I’m sure it’ll at least have some good visuals.

2 DuckTales
DuckTales is my fourth favorite TV program of all time. It shaped my sense of adventure, my pop culture proclivities, and my general worldview more than any other piece of entertainment. It was an extremely well-made, consistently fun program that sort of disappeared from the cultural conversation within the last fifteen years.

Thankfully, it’s finally coming back. Disney XD will debut new episodes sometime this year, and I can’t tell you how excited I am. It’s not CG (thank God), but it is slightly updated, which I’m fine with. As long as the sense of adventure remains the same, I will gladly take another swim in the money bin.

1 BHUTAN!

For those who don’t know, I will be moving to Bhutan at the end of this month. Also for those who don’t know, Bhutan is a tiny  Buddhist monarchy nestled in the Himalayas. It’s the only carbon negative country in the world. It’s also reportedly the happiest country in the world. There are no traffic lights. The quality of life is pretty high. And their leader doesn’t make fun of the handicapped or claim that global warming is a Chinese conspiracy, so at least there’s that. Anyway, this will be an exciting adventure for me. I’ll be there from January till December, which seems like enough time to (hopefully) see a Yeti! Fingers crossed.

And there you have it. My countdown of the ten most exciting things about 2017. Bring it on. And as John Oliver so eloquently described the previous calendar year: F*&% you, 2016!

Weird Cartoons

For the last eighty years, Walt Disney Studios has been the dominant force in animated musicals. Since 1937’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Disney has churned out cartoons about singing flowers, singing rats, singing fish, singing frogs, and all sorts of other lovable vermin who can’t stop themselves from bursting into song.

Sure, there have been other studios who’ve tried to break into Disney’s cartoon musical monopoly, but they typically came off as slightly off-brand variations on the Disney standard—1997’s Anastasia, for example, or 1998’s Quest for Camelot. Both exemplify the uncanny valley of movie musicals that are almost-but-not-quite Disney. These films typically fade from memory in a few years, like the last few notes of a Russian music box from an amnesiac princess.

These copycat cartoons aren't particularly interesting, though. The interesting movies are the ones that actively reject the Disney model,  the musicals that decide to get a little weirder, a little creepier. These are the movies about plant-magic trolls and mute swans and the distant relatives of Marco Polo. If you want to read my TOP TEN list of weird cartoons, go to Taste of Cinema. This is my first listicle with them, but there will be many more to come!