Avengers Grimm

                 
Welcome to another snippet from my weekly mockbuster articles over at Slickster Magazine. This week, I'm discussing Avengers Grimm, the fairy tale rip-off of Avengers: Age of Ultron. You can check out the full article at Slickster Magazine. In the meantime, here's a little taste, just in case:
                   
Now, this (admittedly stupid) premise could absolutely deliver an entertaining, brainless bit of fluff. All the filmmakers had to do was pick a few recognizable characters, give them powers based on their personae, make them squabble in character-based ways, and have them reluctantly cooperate to take down a villain. You know what? Let’s brainstorm this movie together, shall we? Let’s say we have Snow White, whose special power is… I don’t know, throwing apples at people. She has to work with Cinderella, who can kick ass in those glass shoes. They’re constantly arguing, because… Snow White thinks Cinderella exploits the little mice and vermin that come and help her. They both team up with the Frog Prince, who can now change into a bunch of different animals. He’s the third link in our love triangle, but he’s sarcastic and super-rich, much like a certain man made of iron. We can go on from there, but you get the point. The stuff writes itself.

To see the rest of the article (and learn all about Lou Ferrigno's single greatest acting achievement), go to Slickster.

TOP TEN MOCKBUSTERS

              
Many of you guys have been following my weekly MOCKBUSTER articles at Slickster Magazine. I'm five weeks in, and I'm already half-mad from bad CGI overload. It's been a blast.

Anyway, I just published a TOP TEN mockbusters list at Taste of Cinema. This one covers a few movies I already discussed, a few I've yet to tell you about, and some that are so bad I am physically unable to describe them for an entire article.

If you read this list, you'll find out everything you need to know about:
robot apocalypses
demon babies
unsinkable ships that inevitably sink
and snakes on trains.

What more is there to look for in an internet article? Seriously?

Pirate Evan and the Ghosts of Terror Town

Last Halloween, I was a pirate (again). We had urban legend time at school, and it was a blast. There's an amazing urban legend called "Sam's New Pet." Please check it out.

Volcano Explodes All Over Your Face!

Apocalypse Pompeii: Looks awful, doesn't it? Well, against all odds, it's actually pretty fun. Check it out!

Weird Cartoons

For the last eighty years, Walt Disney Studios has been the dominant force in animated musicals. Since 1937’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Disney has churned out cartoons about singing flowers, singing rats, singing fish, singing frogs, and all sorts of other lovable vermin who can’t stop themselves from bursting into song.

Sure, there have been other studios who’ve tried to break into Disney’s cartoon musical monopoly, but they typically came off as slightly off-brand variations on the Disney standard—1997’s Anastasia, for example, or 1998’s Quest for Camelot. Both exemplify the uncanny valley of movie musicals that are almost-but-not-quite Disney. These films typically fade from memory in a few years, like the last few notes of a Russian music box from an amnesiac princess.

These copycat cartoons aren't particularly interesting, though. The interesting movies are the ones that actively reject the Disney model,  the musicals that decide to get a little weirder, a little creepier. These are the movies about plant-magic trolls and mute swans and the distant relatives of Marco Polo. If you want to read my TOP TEN list of weird cartoons, go to Taste of Cinema. This is my first listicle with them, but there will be many more to come!

Wedding Bells

This is me at my very first traditional Zanzibari wedding. I'm the one in blue.

Handcuffs and Martians

"I hate my agent."

               
Did you watch Fifty Shades of Grey and wish it had more long, boring scenes about real estate? Yeah? Well, then you'll love BOUND, the S&M mockbuster that the world absolutely needed. Watch it! Or better yet, check out my article about the film.

R.I.P. Daft Punk

       
And if that's a little too high-brow for you, then there's always MARTIAN LAND, the mockbuster of Ridley Scott's The Martian. While it may not be as well-received as its Oscar-nominated sister film, it does have a Martian super-storm, so that's that.

Is there a doctor in the school?

In my work as headmaster of a small school in Zanzibar, I see some pretty adorable things every day. However, this week was the cutest one on record. It was the end of the term, so we had special dress-up days. This is from "Future Day," when students dressed like what they want to be when they grow up. This is our smallest doctor, complete with her Princess Sophia medicine bag.

Almighty Thor

Have you seen Thor, the action film about a Marvel superhero who gets stranded in New Mexico and falls in love with Natalie Portman?

Yeah. Probably.

Well, have you seen Almighty Thor, the action film that came out three days earlier, and ends with the titular hero punching lava into the shape of a hammer so that he can protect a magic tree from Richard Grieco?

No?

Well, you need to.

With the latest entry in my Mockbusters series of articles, I'm discussing Almighty Thor, one of the strangest movies I've seen in a long time. Go read my article. Then watch the movie. Then rinse your eyes out with soap. It'll be fun.

Australian Shadows Awards

Do you remember Midnight Echo, the awesome Australian magazine I was in last year? It was such a cool issue, and I was flattered to have my story "Uninvited Guest" featured alongside some of the creepiest, spookiest stories I've ever read. (My story was about a child's birthday party that gets crashed by a mysterious clown that only our narrator can see.)

Anyway, I woke up this morning to some great news! Our issue was just nominated for the Australian Shadows Awards, which is the big horror fiction award from Down Under. On April 22, we'll find out if we win anything, but in the meantime... fingers crossed! I hope our stories scared the pants off the judges!

Introducing: Mockbusters!

 
I'm very excited to announce that I have a new weekly feature in Slickster Magazine. Every Tuesday, I'll post another article about The Asylum, the movie studio that invented the modern "mockbuster." They're the guys behind Transmorphers, Alien vs. Hunter, The Day the Earth Stopped, and plenty more. They release bargain bin versions of Hollywood blockbusters on the same week as the real thing. The movies are hilarious and weird, but also a little charming. Take a look at my premiere article, a goofy, little run-down of 2006's Snakes on a Train.

And in the meantime, let me leave you with my favorite quote from the film:

“She must have all her snakes back, but you can keep the ones that belong... to you!”

Midnight Special

Okay, everybody! There is an awesome new movie that just came out called Midnight Special. Now, I've been out of the country, so I'm not sure how well-known this movie is stateside (I just sort of came across it), but you have to see it. It is such a cool conversation-starter of a movie.

I have problems with it (as you can see from my review), but I'm also happy that the movie is flawed, because the weird parts give you a lot to talk about. I won't give anything away, but I'm dying to talk to people about this one, so if you get a chance, watch Midnight Special and then tell me what you think.

Tim Burton

As some of you may know, I'm a huge Tim Burton fan.

And as a self-respecting (more-or-less) Tim Burton fan, I've been a little conflicted when it comes to his more recent films. I will defend Big Fish to my death, and I think Big Eyes was a pretty awesome return-to-form for the director, but the other movies he's made in the last decade-plus have been a little hit-and-miss for me.

Which is why I'm a little excited and a little scared about his latest movie, Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. If you head over to Slickster Magazine, you can check out an article I wrote that helped me process my feelings about this new movie. It could be great. Or it could be very, very bad. We won't find out until September.

But in the meantime, check out the trailer and let me know what you think...

The Young Messiah

The Young Messiah is exactly what its title implies: it’s a Muppet Babies-version of the New Testament. Specifically, it follows a seven-year-old Jesus who learns about his powers, his responsibilities, and all the crap he’s going to have to go through in the future. People tell him he’s special a lot, and he has to come to terms with that. It’s a lot like the first Spider-Man movie, actually, except really boring.

If you want to read the rest of my (pretty blasphemous) movie review, head on over to Slickster Magazine. I'll tell you right now: reading this article will probably get you struck by lightning. You've been warned.

Oh, and HAPPY EASTER, EVERYBODY!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

In honor of everybody's fourth favorite holiday, I wanted to talk a little bit about everyone's seventh favorite horror movie franchise. That's right! Leprechaun! A name so scary that I constantly have to check the spelling every time I type it.

Now, Leprechaun lives in a very special place in my heart. This was the first horror movie I ever saw (I was seven, and my cool aunt was babysitting me). I loved the horror. I loved the humor. I loved seeing Jennifer Aniston embarrass herself. It was a blast from start to finish.

Because today is St. Patrick's Day, here's a very special look back at the Leprechaun franchise.
  

  
The first Leprechaun is very low budget. The whole thing takes place in a farmhouse in the one area of "North Dakota" that looks exactly like Southern California. It's probably most famous for having Jennifer Aniston in it, but Warwick Davis is really the star here. It's a neat little roller coaster of a movie, with one of the all time best moster-kill catchphrases of all time... AND there's murder-by-pogo-stick!
  

 
Leprechaun 2 takes our titular monster to Hollywood, where he uses a cappuccino machine to murder that guy from MadTV that reminded everybody of Will Ferrell. I think you know who I'm talking about. Whatever happened to that guy? He probably still works. Anyway, the movie is the most forgettable entry in the franchise, but it's fun. And there's a kiss scene with a giant fake tongue that is truly horrifying.
  

  
Leprechaun 3 (the one in Vegas) is pretty much the consensus pick for the best in the franchise. It's funny, there's some gnarly special effects (a magic trick gone wrong, an inexplicable robot lady, the umbrella scene...), and the script is chock-full of dirty limericks. It's my personal favorite.
  

       
Leprechaun 4: In Space is the wackiest of the bunch. It's almost as fun as part 3, but it also tries a little too hard. The movie starts with a really gross shout-out to the chest-burster scene from Alien, and it never lets up from there. There's a giant spider mutant, a space princess with magical healing powers, and some pretty great death scenes. No limericks, though.
    

    
People like the idea of Leprechaun: In the Hood more than the actual film. It's a great premise, and Ice-T is having a blast, but it's just not that fun. There are moments, though. Coolio has the most random cameo in the history of cinema, and the whole thing ends with a glorious rap song that Warwick Davis can barely get through.
   

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood is cheaper, dumber, and a whole lot more fun than his first trip to the hood. This is the first time the franchise has repeated itself, though. I would've much preferred its original concept (Leprechaun Does Spring Break), but the execution isn't bad, and its climactic scenes are some of the best in the series. There's a lot of dumb drug humor, so that's always fun.

   
And now we come to the nadir of the series: the sullen, dull "re-imagining" known as Leprechaun Origins. Instead of a horror comedy starring a little person actor who is clearly having the time of his life, we get a straight-up horror survival story starring a WWE wrestler who has zero lines and about ten seconds of screen time in the whole movie. Wikipedia says that WWE is currently working on a sequel, which I will watch because I'm a movie masochist, but eek. This is bad.
   

   
Rather than ending on such a down note, I wanted to share a little factoid that I just found out. Apparently in Irish mythology, there are leprechauns and clurichauns. Clurichauns are basically the same thing as leprechauns, but they only come out at night, they're constantly drunk, and they enjoy riding sheep. If you treat them well, they'll protect your wine cellars.

God, I love the Irish.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody!

WitchWorks Magazine

Hello! Hello! I know it's been a while, but I FINALLY have a new horror story out, and this one is a doozy! It's called Beach Boy, it takes place in beautiful, downtown Zanzibar, and it. Is. Messed. Up. Seriously. You'll love it.

WitchWorks Magazine is a gnarly little periodical that pays homage to EC Comics (specifically Tales from the Crypt). It's fully illustrated with comics and stories that all have nasty twist endings.  Basically, this is right up my alley. Yours too, I hope! Check it out!

Vroom... Vroom...

Hello, friends and Romans. Just a friendly reminder that my romance novel Rev Your Engines has driven into Amazon and is waiting for more readers to hop on and cruise into the sunset.

Oscar Night

 
So the Oscars are today! There's been a lot of (totally justified) complaints about the lack of diversity in this year's nominees, with movies like Straight Outta Compton, Creed, Tangerine, and Carol getting some major snubs because of a voting block that always prefers to err on the side of Driving Miss Daisy.

But what this narrative completely overlooks is that the 2016 list of nominees is perhaps the strongest group of Oscar movies since the best picture list was expanded in 2010. In other words, there's absolutely no Blind Side, no Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close in the bunch! And that, my friends, is definite room for celebration. All of these movies are good, and some of them are great.

This is honestly the first year in my memory where I won't be disappointed if any of the nominated films wins Best Picture. Of course, in a perfect world, Mad Max would win everything it's nominated for, or (barring that) at least Spotlight (the second best movie of the bunch).

I have a creeping suspicion that The Revenant will have a very good run tonight, which is only disappointing in comparison to all the other, slightly worthier movies in the running. Either way, I'd be perfectly happy to live in a world where the Oscar for best picture goes to a movie about a guy who crawls inside a dead horse so he won't freeze to death. Why not?

So I'll be satisfied with whatever happens tonight... Unless, of course, Inside Out loses the best cartoon award, in which case I'll never forgive myself for this blind optimism. But that won't happen.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the awards, too. And in the meantime, you can check out some of my latest movie reviews over at Slickster Magazine. We have:

Kung Fu Panda 3: The Repetition
"if you're a fan of the first film, just watch that instead"

The Visit
"at least as good as Signs or The Village"

Hail, Caesar!
"a disappointing Coen Brothers movie that happens to have some of the best scenes they've ever done"

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
"the idea is better than the execution"

None of these movies are horrible, so check them out if you're at all interested. But whatever you do, don't watch this movie:

Ugh.

Night Walkers Be Walkin' the Night

So apparently I'm a "new master of the dark," whatever that means. Aside from the slight hyperbole of the cover, this anthology is pretty cool. My short story is called "Fat Guy on the Bus" and it is probably the most experimental thing I've ever written. Despite the cover image, it does not involve wolves. Or coyotes.

But you should check it out anyway. Trust me. I'm a New Master of the Dark (tm).

Evan's Adventures in an African Literary Journal

   

So I've been published in a lot of random places (Australian horror magazines, H.P. Lovecraft collections, red hot romance publications...), but now I can check off an item on my bucket list that I didn't even know was there:

Publication in a Nigerian literary magazine.

You read that right. My slightly tragic, slightly political, slightly bugnuts short story "Green and Yellow, Red and Blue" is now a featured story in Sub-Saharan Magazine, The Nigerian Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. My story is more fantasy than sci-fi, and actually more horror than fantasy, but it's very much written from the perspective of someone who's living and working in Africa.
  

  
For those of you who don't know, I've been in Zanzibar, Tanzania, for half a year now, and it is the coolest, craziest, most exciting experience of my life. (And I've been to Dracula's Castle!) Hopefully, just a little of that cool, crazy excitement comes across in my story (which is free to the public, soooo... No excuses.)

Check it out. And feel free to comment. I know this is a boring, ol' website, but I would like to hear from some of you reading this.
   

Killer Toys

 
New anthology alert!

Okay, so there's a horror collection through Thirteen O'Clock Press (the guys behind Arachnophobia and One Hell of a Christmas) that's all about a toybox full of killer toys. When I heard about the premise, I knew that I just had to be involved. I mean... Chucky is my spirit animal. I love anything related to killer toys.

To give some variety to the anthology, each writer cooked up a story about a different killer play thing. Teddy bears. Jack-in-the-Box clown heads. All that stuff. So take a wild guess which toy I chose for my very special, very spooky entry...

Silly Putty? Nope.

Stretch Armstrong? Sorry. Try again.

A Yack Pack? No. I don't even know what that is.

You guys! It's a rubber snake! I wrote a scary story about a rubber snake. And let me assure you, this story is not at all what you expect. Don't trust me? Check it out for yourself. I'm not playin' around.

Dirty Hours

I saw this movie. It was not very good. Please read my review, so that you don't have to watch it.

I also saw this movie. It was... something. You should read my review of this one, because... eek.

The Final Girls

Let me tell you a little bit about my favorite movie of the last six months: The Final Girls.

I have some majorly conflicted feelings about this film, because A) it's my favorite film of the last six months, and B) I think it really squanders what I feel is one of the coolest premises in meta-horror cinema.

For those who haven't checked it out yet, here's the deal: A group of modern teenagers are at an old cinema, and they get sucked into an 80s slasher film. They have to survive till the end of the "movie," but they also have to interact with the movie characters, who somehow develop deeper personalities just by being exposed to the real world.

This seems like the perfect set-up for a lot of self-referential humor and winks at the camera. It does have a bunch of that, of course (the use of black-and-white flashbacks is genius), but it becomes obvious pretty quickly that the movie cares much more about the emotional stuff than the comedic stuff. More importantly, though, it cares more about the emotional stuff than the horror stuff, and that is what leaves me conflicted.

On the one hand, I love this movie. It made me cry. On the other hand, though, I can't tell you how much I'd love to watch a version of this movie that...
set a more authentic 80s tone...
that didn't treat the murders as an afterthought...
and that actually tried to by scary once in a while.

In my mind, this movie is R-rated. It embraces the sub-genre. It doesn't forget the horror part of "horror-comedy." This version of the movie, however, was not made. The actual finished result is much sweeter, and prettier, and more cathartic. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It just wasn't what I had hoped when I heard the premise.

But like I said, The Final Girls is great. Check out my review to see exactly how much I liked it. But just remember: in a perfect world, there are two versions of this film. One has more decapitations.

January Reviews

If you want to check out a few more of my reviews on Slickster...

Here's one for The Revenant, the eight-hour-long movie about the guy who gets mauled by a bear and has to crawl across 200 miles of snow-covered wilderness. It's a laugh riot, in other words.
        

            
I also have one up for the new Michael Bay actioner 13 Hours. It was one of my favorite reviews to write, because it helped me process some weird, pent-up stuff about all the Michael Bay movies I've already seen.
      

             
Finally, I checked out Ride Along 2, which is... a movie.
     

   
Anyway, this is January, people, so there's going to be a strange mixture of good and bad stuff at the multiplex.Without spoiling my reviews, I will say that only one of the three is a genuinely good movie, and it's also the only one of the three that I will never, ever watch again.

NEW NOVEL ALERT!

I know it's been a while, but my latest romance is finally coming to a store (and an Amazon search page) near you! This one is very special to me, because the main characters criss-cross through the American southwest, riding through some of my favorite towns along Route 66. I haven't lived in America for a long time now, and I really wanted to use this story to reconnect with my culture a little bit.

As you can see from the publisher page, this one starts with the playboy son of a CEO and his ice queen of an employee, mashes them together in a company-mandated road trip, and then watches as the tension rises and the sparks fly. I'm very excited to hear your opinions. It was a blast to write, and I hope it'll be a blast to read, too.

For this book, I've joined forces with Satin Romance, one of the most author-friendly romance publishers out there. Unlike a lot of other publishers, they don't have a strict house style, instead letting their writers maintain their unique voices. I really feel like my voice comes through in this one, and I hope you do, too! Please check out some of the other awesome titles through Satin, as I'm sure you'll find something steamy or sweet or exciting or suspenseful or anything else you want!

Most importantly, though, mark your calendars for January 30, when Rev Your Engines roars into a bookstore near you!

Concussion

I'm not sure if you're aware, but I'm totally a movie reviewer now. It's crazy. I had no idea this would be part of my career path. I mean, I love movies, and I love writing, and I love telling people how I feel about stuff. But the idea that I'd be a real film critic... it honestly never crossed my mind.

Well, here I am, and I just reviewed the new Will Smith movie Concussion. It's a real story about violent head trauma starring one of the most charismatic actors in the world and it's... not at all what I expected. Did I love it? Did I hate it? Did I want to ram my own head against the wall until the movie stopped?

You'll just have to read the review to find out...

The Hateful Eight

Have you seen the new Tarantino movie yet? Not sure if it's right for you? Well, my friends, check out my brand new review of Hateful Eight to help you make this important life decision...

Is the latest from cinema's craziest mash-up artist a little too talky? A little too violent? A little too both? Well, you'll have to check out my review to find out...

Oh Little Town of DEATHlehem...

Hey guys! It's still winter, so it's not too late to check out my latest Christmas-themed horror story in Deathlehem Revisited, a brand new anthology that is definitely going to deck your halls... and roast your chestnuts... and jingle your bells... aaaand that's all I got. It's scary. Trust me.

And money from this book is going straight to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation! So I don't feel guilty giving anyone nightmares!

Movie Review

I'm a movie reviewer now! Check out my first (mainly positive) review for The Big Short. It's part of the movie section for Slickster Magazine, an awesome new website that has funny articles, insightful reviews, and beautiful women. Expect more to come!

The importance of flossing.