Equivalent Retribution

Another season, another dreaded call of the siren! That's right! It's finally springtime, which means some Easter celebrations, family barbecues, and lots of pollen-related allergies. Good stuff.

It also means that we have another issue of Sirens Call, the (free) horror magazine with a little bit of everything. For this one, I went out of my comfort zone and wrote a sci-fi story (my first since that Golden Girls spoof about alien Betty White hanging out with a squid. Don't ask.)

This one's a lot darker. It's called "Equivalent Retribution" and it's about a woman who accidentally pisses off an alien and has to figure out how to make things right. The first draft was more of a comedy, but I ended up rewriting it with gnarlier EC Comics vibes. 

Happily Destroyed: My Sci Fi Fairy Tale YA Mash-up

Welcome to THE HAPPILY, a paradise dimension where everyone is royalty… where every meal is a feast… where your loyal subjects burst into song at pre-scheduled intervals… where you can never, ever return.

Rose and her sisters live a life straight out of a fairy tale. Well, the crappy first-half of a fairy tale, anyway. They work and sweat and go about their days, always hoping that something terrible will happen. Maybe a troll will steal them away. Maybe a sorcerer will turn them to stone. Heck, maybe a beast will whisk them off to his dark, nasty castle. Wouldn’t that be great?

You see, if something bad happens, that means that someone will rescue them. And if someone rescues them, that means they just bought a one-way ticket to THE HAPPILY. Bing bang boom. Paradise.

Slowly, the sisters get into trouble. Slowly, they get rescued. Slowly, they achieve their happily ever after. That just leaves one sister: Rose. She’s too spunky and independent. She’ll never get rescued, which means she’ll never transition into THE HAPPILY. She’s stuck in the real world, with all the witches and ogres and dragons.

But what if she sneaks into THE HAPPILY? And what if she gets caught? Or worse, what if THE HAPPILY isn’t as great as everyone says? Well, there’s only one way to find out…

Age of Tomorrow: the lumpiest little movie in town

So these mockbuster reviews are aging me horribly. The newest one: Age of Tomorrow. Check out the article now!
   

(Spoiler: This character is not in the movie.)

Giant Robots. Shrug.

     
So The Atlantic Rim doesn't really exist. The Pacific Rim is a real thing. It's part of geography. But the Atlantic Rim... nope.

When Guillermo del Toro's Pacific Rim came out, the marketing madmen at Asylum decided to release their similar-in-every-way-except-quality mockbuster Atlantic Rim. The movie makes as much sense as its title, which is one way of saying YEEESH. Don't see this movie.

But you can always read my lovely review of it. I try not to hold anything back. Barring vomit. I held back a bit of vomit as I was writing the review. Acid reflux, you understand.

Golden Girls... IN SPACE!

Golden Girls spoof. With aliens. Pet squids. Surprise explosions. Nuff said.

Microwave Technology

Everybody has a microwave. It’s an important part of any kitchen, especially if you’re lazy and/or addicted to ramen noodles. But what did it feel like to be the first housewife to use a microwave? Did she understand how it worked? Did she worry about radiation?

I decided to write a horror story about an unhappy housewife (a desperate one, if you will) who doesn’t trust her new microwave. And when she starts hearing tapping noises from the other side of the glass, she starts to wonder if maybe this kitchen appliance is actually a doorway to somewhere else. Somewhere dark.

If that sounds interesting to you, check out my brand new story “Microwave Technology.” It’s part of a horror anthology with a bunch of creepy creatures and horrible happenings. Why don’t you curl up with a nice bag of microwave popcorn and prepare to be scared.

Far Worlds

Earlier this year, I was lucky enough to be included in a pretty awesome sci-fi anthology called Far Worlds. The book collected stories with a bunch of different tones, and when I read it cover-to-cover, I realized that mine was the only overtly comedic of the bunch.

My story “Golden Planet” is a sci-fi spoof of the Emmy-winning sitcom Golden Girls. It takes place on a retirement planet, stuffed with aliens, pet squids, and a little bit of unexpected death. My protagonist Roze falls in love with a handsome stranger, and things spiral out of control. I won’t give anything away, except that I’m very proud of the very last sentence. It’s a nice, dark way to end the story.

I wrote the first draft during a single weekend, when I was also working on a horror story about a possessed jump rope that murdered people. Needless to say, both stories had pretty goofy premises, but “Golden Planet” didn’t take things seriously while “Double Dutch” did. (I called the other story “Double Dutch” because it’s about twins, one of whom is murdered by the jump rope. It’s Shakespearean, really.)

My point is… it was fun to bounce back and forth between the different styles. I usually don’t write two stories at the same time, but in this case, it kind of worked. There weren’t any pet squids in my horror story, and there were no possessed toys in my sci-fi story, but the two of them really fed into each other as I wrote them.

Once I finished both stories, though, things diverged. “Golden Planet” was quickly accepted by Far Worlds, and the version in print is very similar to my first draft. “Double Dutch,” however, was almost completely changed in the rewrite process. It’s coming out around Halloween (the details will be announced later), but the title is different, the characters are different, and… well, the jump rope is now a rubber snake. That’s what happens during the re-write process. Jump ropes turn into snakes and stories either stay the same or they morph into something completely new.

But back to “Golden Planet”… If you wanna check out the exploits of Roze, Dorox, and the gang, pick up a copy of Far Worlds. Also, visit the Far Worlds Facebook page for updates and information.